Sad I lost my sweetheart two months ago and that’s exactly what’s happened. At first, waking up in what had been our bedroom, I would be puzzled. Where was Gerry? I would feel panic and then a dull heavy weight would settle, right around where my heart should be located. I remembered: Gerry died. That stopped happening, especially after we moved the furniture, taking out the hospital equipment and prettying up the space with a nice chair and a carpet and sort of staging it, with an inviting book strategically placed on the bedside table. Image: sad but sleepy woman goes to bed and peacefully relaxes with some light reading. Fact. Exhausted woman crawls into bed, having been sleepless since three am and passes out. Like the good little trouper I am I do the right things. I visit the gym and exercise. I go to movies and have coffee with my friends. Christmas decorating got done and the dinner and on New Year’s Day I even had a party. Happy New Year. Yesterday featured the eye doctor. Now I have time, after almost eight years of caregiving,. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a pair of stylish glasses. Whee. The dishes are done the bed is made, the Christmas tree is down and like always, the needles are swept and vacuumed. I’ve seen four movies: sighed through the romantic Brooklyn, fidgeted my way through the endless ennui of Carol, laughed and gobbled up popcorn and pop as Tina and Amy tried on dresses in Sisters and, in true serendipity, shared Joy with the only friend who has a passion for mops she’s managed to pass on to me. I indulge in a nap here and there too. Or fall asleep watching TV. Yesterday after one such ‘rest’ I woke up confused in the living room.. Where was I? What day was it? Where was everyone else, and what was I supposed to be doing? Ah. I live here, and I have a roommate, I remembered. Jenn, my daughter lives in Liberty Village. But, where was Gerry? He was not around. Maybe he was somewhere with Malcolm, his business partner? Think, think. Uh oh. He’s not here or anywhere. Total sadness and the heavy feeling. I don’t think I can ever keep busy enough to not miss Gerry. No, I really can’t.